Oh Rabbi, What do I have to do right now?

Ass

Dear My Diary,

I don’t know what to do right now, I felt want to cry. Ms Hira and Prof. Muliawati didn’t come to the university today. What can I say, to whom? Meanwhile Mr. Ramedhan, I don’t know where he is now, and I don’t know too where they gone. Whether they are at home now or doing what there, I don’t know at all. All I know is that I just doing nothing now. I felt that I just like a person in the film “One Liter of Tears” that have a sick and don’t know what to do.

The entire thing I did is just like a weight in the other side. All I did is just make they felt uncomfortable. It like just doing useless, everything I did is just nothing on the side of them. Is it because they are the superior position in this university and they can make any consideration and anything they want to do? Is there any justice stand in this country? I don’t care who are they and live in where they are? What they are doing or what, I don’t care about it, because that is none of my business.

It embarrassed me in front of my parents that looked like I can’t do anything to help them in the matter of funds. I embarrassed to my God, that I can’t do anything to make He happy to have me as His creator. I also embarrassed my self in front of my friends that looked like I do nothing and useless for them. And now I looked like stagnant in the place that I never been there, I looked like lost in the strange place that no one there and the land is just dry soil, there is no any plant or any animals that I can use to over my hunger. I looked like stand alone in the dark place. I am sitting down in the corner where any body can’t see me in the dark. I looked like a blind person that don’t know where I have to go, seems like there is no any hope, or direction that I can choose to make me go to that direction. I even don’t know who is in the front of me. I don’t know.

Now, I heard that Mr. Erwin is absent right now. I am confused right now. I am stagnant; I am dizzy that I just want to die right now. There is nothing that I can do to make my parents proud of me; everything is just looked like history for me. I ever make them happy, but it was on high school, but now, they are suffering again because of me. They have to find much bigger than before.

Money, I hate money very much. Every people in this world are very like on money, seems like they will alive forever if they have much money. They find for money looked like they will alive on and on, and they just forget the life after this world. I don’t know what they are doing now? I can’t tell them, because they will just forget and ignore what I have said to them. On their brain is just money, money, and money. My parents suffer is just because of money, they even wanted to sell the land they have just to pay for the tuition fee of my university. Oh God, oh Allah, I very adore You in every way I go, in every place I stand, in every words I said, in every thing I have done. Oh Allah, please show me Your power, make they think what I am thinking now.

The entire thing that I want to is just to get my 100% scholarship again through Management Trainee status, I am confused oh Allah, I will tell them nothing. There is no result that I can show to them. Even the letter I wrote is nothing to them. Oh Allah, what I have to do now? Is that right I don’t have any right to get my status back, is that right I left my parents suffering there while I live suffer here too, is that right till now You are just be quite looked like You are nothing in this world, is that right that You seems like there is no any power, is that right oh my lovely God, Allah.

Oh Allah, please listen to me, just call my name if I don’t have any right anymore to live in Your world, please tell me if all the thing I did is wrong, please tell me if got a wrong direction, please…. Please….please…. tell me now oh Allah. I thought its better to me just to die, because I just a weight to them, to my parents, to my brothers and sisters, to my friends, to anyone in this world. It seems like I don’t have any right to live in Your world and if that so, just call my name right now oh Allah.

What I can do anymore in this world if I don’t have any right, what can I say to my parents if I have nothing to them and just to be a weight to them, is that right I am just a weight to everybody? From the date I born, I was a weight to them; my father was looking for the doctor in the dark day, breakthrough the heavy rains at that time, and my mother was just at home waiting for my dad bring the doctor to help her, and I, I just sat down in a very comfortable place in the stomach of my mom, I just relax my self while they were so busy to prepare for my born.

From a child I just a weight for them, from the child I always makes them suffer, from a child I just a trouble for them, for anyone in this world, so what do I have to do in Your world, oh Allah? What do I have to do? Please tell me now, what is the advantages of my born, what is the advantages of I live in Your world. I have dreams, many dreams of me is just a dream if that so. I don’t know who will do it in the future. I have excellent brain and idea and dreams, but why do You just chosen to be quite as quite the night? Why do You do that to me? Why You are so cruel to Your creator? Why do You so cruel to my parents, they have been known the secret of Your world, but You still want to make them suffer. It is enough right now, just give me that thing now. I don’t want to see them cry anymore, and I don’t want to see they suffer, so just let me takeover their weight, just give it to me right now.

Give me a job that I can support my self and moreover they as my parents, give me that thing right now.

I wanted to take them away from the cruel of this world, I wanted to bring they come to here, live with me and my family in the next day in the future. Please it is so cruel to me if You just be quite like this until the time of me to get the university has over, and I graduated funded by my parents.

I will feel sad, very sad when I see that land, the land that has been a power of my family, the icon of my father, in that place my father has a way to live me, in that place my brother made the plantation to support my family, in that place my brother plant his dream, dream to live his new family, dream to get school for me, dream to make me graduated and can continue my school in a higher decree, but it will just dreams when I seen that land. The land that has been an icon for the family now is owned by other, what I will say to myself, what will I say to my parents, to my family that because of me, that land to be sold, just because of me, that land to be useless for the family, because of the mistakes I have done in this university that land sold, it is all because of me, so if that is right, why do I have to live anymore?

What is the advantageous of me being live in this world if it is useless? Why am still live in Your world oh Rabbi? Why is that so? Why I am still alive? Why I have to run in Your world, why do I have to stay live here, what for, for whom, in where, and how do I can there or just to survive in Your world, is that because of my sins that I did before, if that so, I pray for that, I am hold my promise to burn my sins as fast possible as I can not to live as a weight to others, not to live as a trouble maker or not to make others cry or even my parents, not to do something stupid, and many others. Please forgive me, my Lord.

Oh Rabbi, please forgive me. Yes that is my fault, You have given to me a lot of time for me to pray to You to please for the thing I want to. You have given it to me, but I let it go, I even chosen just to spend my time to sleep and doing nothing, doing something stupid, doing……

Please Allah, stop it right now, please give me a time to burn my sins, please give me a time to do something better than before so that You can forgive me and my parents will happy. Please forgive me and give that time to me right now Oh Allah. Please……

Wass