Allah is so Loves Me

Dear Diary,

Today I am very angry with my self, you know why? It is because of the “uncontrolled system” of my self. I have wake up at 2 am, I was thinking that it is not the good time to pray tahajjud, because it was just 2 o’clock, and usually I takes Tahajjud at 3 am, so I want to sleep again till 3 am is coming, and I was so lazy just to get my body up, I just lay down in bed and slept again, and do you know what?. It so embarrassed my self that I was so lazy to pray, even that is for my self. Then I wake up again at 4 am, oh damned my self, I was late to get up at 3 am, because it was 4 am already. Then I damned my self into that damn bed till I got up at 4:30. I heard the azan was sound hardly, but I damn again in that damn bed. So I wake up again at 5:40, it was time that I have to get up, because I also wanted to take a fee, and take wudhu then pray shubuh. As I have planned before, I have to fasting on this day: Thursday. So I forced my self to survive without any sahur. Then I was waiting to the bath room vacant, so I just sit down in bed and Ardi woke up then I go to that bath room and release that weight force my :under body” and take wudhu then pray shubuh together after waited Ardi wudhu.

Then it was 6:30 o’clock, it was a good time to wash because I have to back to Cikarang on next day: Friday. So I took my clothes and went to market to buy “Attack plus Softener” and go to bath room and soaked my clothes and took shower after waited for a somehow mother washing plates and glasses. Then I back to Ardi’s home and get clothed and back to wash that soaked clothes. After I washed and rinsed it, I back to Ardi’s home and went to office to intern in that company.

On the way to office, I received sms from Mr. Ramedhan, he told me suggestions, and do you know what? I noticed that Allah still loves me even though I have damned my self not to follow His rules. I was crying in that bus while I was seeing the buildings. I thought to my self, for sure Allah still loves me, but why Allah? I have damn You, I was not pray Tahajjud although You have woke me up, I was not get medicine I have bought although You have woke me up, and I was not pray Shubuh on time, although You have woke me up on time when azan was sound hardly to ear, and I was not to follow Your rules to lives discipline in Your world, but You still loves me. You have told to Mr. Erwin to send sms to my self. I have betrayed You but You still loves me, You still takes care of me, Subhanallah… Allahuakbar…I embarrassed my self in front of You, my Lord. Astaghfirullahaladhim… I shy oh Allah…where the hell my respect for You as my Lord, as my Creator, as my Guard, as my ….Everything….You are Almighty…No body can be similar likes You. You are the God I adored.

Damn my self. I can’t control it. I could get 5 job in that 4 hours (since 2 am to 6 am). Do you know what those are?
1. I can get my medicine, and treat my self. I was sick at that time,
2. I can pray Tahajjud and so khusyu because every body is still slept well. It was just 2 am, and Allah have prepared well to my self in order to pray well. Do you know why do I say like this? It because of it was so calm and there was not any noisy as many days usual,
3. I can get Sahur at that time, and fuel myself with Energen Cereal, but you know what? I just slept well. Damned myself.
4. I can pray Shubuh on time if I woke up at that time,
5. I can wash the clothes earlier in the morning, not at 6:30 when the time was so busy for any body to do their business,

I can have a time to pray Dhuha and treat my self to Him if I woke up at the time He was woke me up. Now I would not be hungry right now if I woke up at that time, but do you know what? I feel hungry right now, there is no any food in my stomach. Damn to my self. Damn it. I embarrassed my self to have name such “Jabbar”. My name is Jabbar but not as mighty as the name that I have. Even I can’t control my self to treat to Him that have created me, that have been my guard till this time for my self and my parent. I wants to shout out and cry as hard as I can to kill my self that just be betrayer to the God that have been loves and take care my self and my parents, damn it.

Astagfirullahal'adhim...