Oh Rabbi, What do I have to do right now?

Ass

Dear My Diary,

I don’t know what to do right now, I felt want to cry. Ms Hira and Prof. Muliawati didn’t come to the university today. What can I say, to whom? Meanwhile Mr. Ramedhan, I don’t know where he is now, and I don’t know too where they gone. Whether they are at home now or doing what there, I don’t know at all. All I know is that I just doing nothing now. I felt that I just like a person in the film “One Liter of Tears” that have a sick and don’t know what to do.

The entire thing I did is just like a weight in the other side. All I did is just make they felt uncomfortable. It like just doing useless, everything I did is just nothing on the side of them. Is it because they are the superior position in this university and they can make any consideration and anything they want to do? Is there any justice stand in this country? I don’t care who are they and live in where they are? What they are doing or what, I don’t care about it, because that is none of my business.

It embarrassed me in front of my parents that looked like I can’t do anything to help them in the matter of funds. I embarrassed to my God, that I can’t do anything to make He happy to have me as His creator. I also embarrassed my self in front of my friends that looked like I do nothing and useless for them. And now I looked like stagnant in the place that I never been there, I looked like lost in the strange place that no one there and the land is just dry soil, there is no any plant or any animals that I can use to over my hunger. I looked like stand alone in the dark place. I am sitting down in the corner where any body can’t see me in the dark. I looked like a blind person that don’t know where I have to go, seems like there is no any hope, or direction that I can choose to make me go to that direction. I even don’t know who is in the front of me. I don’t know.

Now, I heard that Mr. Erwin is absent right now. I am confused right now. I am stagnant; I am dizzy that I just want to die right now. There is nothing that I can do to make my parents proud of me; everything is just looked like history for me. I ever make them happy, but it was on high school, but now, they are suffering again because of me. They have to find much bigger than before.

Money, I hate money very much. Every people in this world are very like on money, seems like they will alive forever if they have much money. They find for money looked like they will alive on and on, and they just forget the life after this world. I don’t know what they are doing now? I can’t tell them, because they will just forget and ignore what I have said to them. On their brain is just money, money, and money. My parents suffer is just because of money, they even wanted to sell the land they have just to pay for the tuition fee of my university. Oh God, oh Allah, I very adore You in every way I go, in every place I stand, in every words I said, in every thing I have done. Oh Allah, please show me Your power, make they think what I am thinking now.

The entire thing that I want to is just to get my 100% scholarship again through Management Trainee status, I am confused oh Allah, I will tell them nothing. There is no result that I can show to them. Even the letter I wrote is nothing to them. Oh Allah, what I have to do now? Is that right I don’t have any right to get my status back, is that right I left my parents suffering there while I live suffer here too, is that right till now You are just be quite looked like You are nothing in this world, is that right that You seems like there is no any power, is that right oh my lovely God, Allah.

Oh Allah, please listen to me, just call my name if I don’t have any right anymore to live in Your world, please tell me if all the thing I did is wrong, please tell me if got a wrong direction, please…. Please….please…. tell me now oh Allah. I thought its better to me just to die, because I just a weight to them, to my parents, to my brothers and sisters, to my friends, to anyone in this world. It seems like I don’t have any right to live in Your world and if that so, just call my name right now oh Allah.

What I can do anymore in this world if I don’t have any right, what can I say to my parents if I have nothing to them and just to be a weight to them, is that right I am just a weight to everybody? From the date I born, I was a weight to them; my father was looking for the doctor in the dark day, breakthrough the heavy rains at that time, and my mother was just at home waiting for my dad bring the doctor to help her, and I, I just sat down in a very comfortable place in the stomach of my mom, I just relax my self while they were so busy to prepare for my born.

From a child I just a weight for them, from the child I always makes them suffer, from a child I just a trouble for them, for anyone in this world, so what do I have to do in Your world, oh Allah? What do I have to do? Please tell me now, what is the advantages of my born, what is the advantages of I live in Your world. I have dreams, many dreams of me is just a dream if that so. I don’t know who will do it in the future. I have excellent brain and idea and dreams, but why do You just chosen to be quite as quite the night? Why do You do that to me? Why You are so cruel to Your creator? Why do You so cruel to my parents, they have been known the secret of Your world, but You still want to make them suffer. It is enough right now, just give me that thing now. I don’t want to see them cry anymore, and I don’t want to see they suffer, so just let me takeover their weight, just give it to me right now.

Give me a job that I can support my self and moreover they as my parents, give me that thing right now.

I wanted to take them away from the cruel of this world, I wanted to bring they come to here, live with me and my family in the next day in the future. Please it is so cruel to me if You just be quite like this until the time of me to get the university has over, and I graduated funded by my parents.

I will feel sad, very sad when I see that land, the land that has been a power of my family, the icon of my father, in that place my father has a way to live me, in that place my brother made the plantation to support my family, in that place my brother plant his dream, dream to live his new family, dream to get school for me, dream to make me graduated and can continue my school in a higher decree, but it will just dreams when I seen that land. The land that has been an icon for the family now is owned by other, what I will say to myself, what will I say to my parents, to my family that because of me, that land to be sold, just because of me, that land to be useless for the family, because of the mistakes I have done in this university that land sold, it is all because of me, so if that is right, why do I have to live anymore?

What is the advantageous of me being live in this world if it is useless? Why am still live in Your world oh Rabbi? Why is that so? Why I am still alive? Why I have to run in Your world, why do I have to stay live here, what for, for whom, in where, and how do I can there or just to survive in Your world, is that because of my sins that I did before, if that so, I pray for that, I am hold my promise to burn my sins as fast possible as I can not to live as a weight to others, not to live as a trouble maker or not to make others cry or even my parents, not to do something stupid, and many others. Please forgive me, my Lord.

Oh Rabbi, please forgive me. Yes that is my fault, You have given to me a lot of time for me to pray to You to please for the thing I want to. You have given it to me, but I let it go, I even chosen just to spend my time to sleep and doing nothing, doing something stupid, doing……

Please Allah, stop it right now, please give me a time to burn my sins, please give me a time to do something better than before so that You can forgive me and my parents will happy. Please forgive me and give that time to me right now Oh Allah. Please……

Wass

Rainy Heart

Ass

Dear my Diary

I thought you'd come back at least i prayed
the romance has been dead for years
but i've been too afraid to dig the grave
relief support never came
memories carry me through the day
of when we were kids
and angels came to watch us play
close my eyes just for tonight
the sun still sleeps and when she wakes
a movie that plays in my mind
remembring you helps me survive
every day a re-run of the next
i promised to stay by your side
that all would change i can't complain
another victim of the game
maybe love will fund us again
for there is always tomorrow
sincerely till the end close my eyes
just for tonight the sun still sleeps
and when she wakes you'll be a memory

Wass

Abbr of a Friend

Ass

How about this one???


A Friend...


(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)- plain things you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and....
(Z)aps you back to reality...


Wass

True Friends

Ass

Dear my Diary

What do you think abou this words?

~"A true friend is one who is concerned
about what we are becoming, who sees
beyond the present relationship, and
who cares deeply about us as a whole
person."
~"Thats what a friend is for, when your
lost in darkness and searching for the
light, to help you through those lonely
nights, when everything around you fails
just hold out your hand, and i'll come
running, thats what a friend is for.....

Wass

Poets of Crying Heart to Allah

Ass

Dear my Diary

(Taken from the famous book_I fogot the full title, just enjoy it)

Oh my God, Your skylight and starlight has gone
All Your Creator's eyes had slept
But Your door still open widely
Pray for your loves

I am coming to meet You
Please for Your sorry
Please loves me
Show me my grandfa's face
Mohammad SAW
In the Justice Hall, at the end of times

For Your almighty and Greatness
Maksiat will never beat You
When I do maksiat
I did it does not meant I doubt of You
Not meant I just forget Your anger
Nor because I want to beat You
I did it because of my passion
and because of I spread a cover to close my bad things

Now, who will save me from Your Azab?
To what direction and whom that I will hold on?
If I cut Yours, how bad my destiny later
When I sat down in front You
I don't know where to walk or gone...

Oh God
How bad me later...
My age keep going as well as my sins
I don't have chance to lie on You
To ask for Your sorry
Now I embarrassed my self in front of You

Will You fired me with Your hot fire?
Oh my God
The directions of every loves
So, to where my hopes and my loves
I will meet You
With holding worst things and jerk
Among Your other creators
No one that so worst than me

The Holly You
You beated like You are nothing
You are always be nice
Liked You will never fight
You shower Your loves to Your creators
Liked You need their helps

But in fact
Oh my God
My admires
You never need it all
I adore You


Wass

Fourteen Signs of Falling in Love

Dear My Diary

Ass

(There was Someone Sent it to Me...)


[,FOURTEEN.]:
YOU LOOK AT HE'S/SHE'S PROFILE
PICTURE ALL
THE
TIME.

[.THIRTEEN.]:
WHEN YOUR ON THE PHONE WITH HIM/HER
LATE
AT NIGHT AND HE/SHE HANG UP, YOU
STILL
MISS
HIM/HER EVEN WHEN IT WAS JUST TWO
MINUTES
AGO.

[.TWELVE.]:
YOU READ HE'S/SHE'S TEXTS OR IM'S
OVER AND
OVER AGAIN.

[.ELEVEN.]:
YOU WALK REALLY SLOW WHEN
YOU'RE WITH
HIM/HER

[.TEN.]:
YOU FEEL SHY WHENEVER HIM/HER
AROUND.

[.NINE.]:
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT HIM/HER,
YOUR HEART
BEATS FASTER AND SLOWER AT THE
SAME
TIME

[.EIGHT.]:
YOU SMILE WHEN YOU HEAR HIM/HER
VOICE.

[.SEVEN.]:
WHEN YOU LOOK AT HIM/HER, YOU
CAN'T SEE
THE
OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU, ALL
YOU SEE IS
HIM/HER.

[.SIX.]:
YOU START LISTENING TO SLOW
SONGS,
WHILE
THINKING OF HIM/HER

[.FIVE.]:
HE/SHE IS ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.

[.FOUR.]:
YOU GET HIGH JUST FROM HIM/HER
SCENT.

[.THREE.]:
YOU REALIZE THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS
SMILING
TO
YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT
HIM/HER.

[.TWO.]:
YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR
HIM/HER, OR
ANYTHING TO SEE THEM.

[.ONE.]:
WHILE READING THIS, THERE WAS
ONE
PERSON ON YOUR MIND THE WHOLE
TIME...

NOW MAKE A WISH

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Wass

The Beginning of Internship Days; Story Behind

Dear My World

Ass

Last night, I was in Al Mu’min Mosque, the Al Azhar Moslem Mosque called. I am in internship since Oct 3rd, 2006 until now. I have Monday and Wednesday for holidays. Honestly I just have holidays in the weekend, but since I have registered to the revision class for Principles of Management with Mr. Gary Plant so I told to my supervisor and my boss that I will have a class every Monday and Wednesday, and I wondered because my boss can understood me, and told me that I might be not working on that day.
Since that day, the problem incurred. If I have a class on Monday and Wednesday, so I just have work for three days only.

So, on my first Monday, I talked to my lecturer; Mr. Gary Plant, that I am internship now, and he marked my name as an “internship” student, I taught that that is for the consideration if I can’t fulfill the criteria required, I meant, such as if I forget to submit my homework, so he will give me some considerations and many others considerations because I am in internship now, so “just let it flow”, like my Public Speaking Lecturer; Ms. Trisia Megawati KD.

Now, I have worked (internship) for two weeks. Alhamdulillah …
Although I just started for two weeks, but I have captured many experiences and lessons because I always think that this is the adventure in the world, a temporary world.
There was a worst story and stupid story could be. Here it is; on Thursday, October 12th, 2006, I was playing just with computer because at that time I have no job to do. I went to Control Panel and try to create a new account, that is “Anak Magang”, but suddenly the computer was error I confused. I can’t make that account into limited type not as an administrator type. I taught that would not make a significant change in the computer, so I was keep going to make that account, but I didn’t know and didn’t think further that the impossible the computer would like to have two administrator, so the new account that I just made was coming up, but the former account hided. So I confused how to make it default. I can’t persist to keep that new account, because I have to install and reinstall the Microsoft Office Programs and one thing that was very important, that was the Outlook Express for the Media and Operational Department’s Computer which was I have to make a new setting and install it through several wizard not understandable. So I confused….

Ardi and I was hold trying to make that computer to be default. We have our own thought to make it true. I have a plan to call Diki (Information System’s Student > our fellow) to ask for his help, but Ardi had another plan; to call Ancha (Computerized Accounting’s Student > 2 years older than us) to ask for his help too. Finally Ardi called Diki. Tell him what was happening at that time. The first way to solve it was to log on at the safe mode. I didn’t know about that, but Ardi can understand about it. So at that time, he was logging to the computer as a safe mode status, then we (Ardi, Me, and our Senior Employee; Bro Fiki Fajry) could see the former administrator, and also the new administrator that just made. We tried to delete the new account made through went to Control Panel and see the “delete this account”, but there was no this item at that time.
The conversation between us was closed, because of the money at Ardi’s Phone had over, so with shaleh, they went to market to buy the new credit to fulfill his phone. Then he called Diki to ask for information about the up next plan. Finally Diki found the way to make the computer default. He found it after he said that he would like to do the thing (make the same setting for both administrator for Outlook Express Program) by his self first than he can tell us to do the same thing. But, does any body know how he did it? How he can tell us about the clues?

After we restarted the computer for several times, Diki told us to go to “Control Panel”, and then choose “Performance and Maintenance” then “Administrative Tools” and then “Computer Management” and choose “Local Users and Groups” and sub “Users” and right click then choose “delete”. Fuihhh …… That was easy thing. So easy heh …
After that I restarted it again and sim salabim …

The computer default, no more account for “Anak Magang” or “Adminiztrator” or “Admin Palsu”. Alhamdulillah ….

Finally the problem was completely solved. We toss to celebrate it, Ardi, Me, and Bro Fiki Fajry. We laugh together and gave success greeting each other.
The time was 5.45 pm, and we wanted to back home. I suggested to stay at mosque because of the time was so little bit. We got over our fasting at that mosque, near our company; RCS that we are intern now. We chat, smile and laugh together. I almost have a stomach ache just because of that funny chat. It topic was about that problem that incurred at that time and about the fool thing of Mr. Agus (friend of Mr. Bendry Koto; our Manager). We prayed and made decision to stay at mosque or just went home although it was evening. Finally we just backed to Ardi’s home at Tanah Abang. At late night, after we got dinner, he took the game in Play Station 2 and I just lie down at sofa, and sleep there (although I have offered by his father to sleep at another Ardi’s house).

Then in the next day, I have other stories…

Wass

Friendship

Many people will walk in and out of your life.
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Friends

Anger is only one letter short of danger
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

He, who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself.

Friends, you and me...
You brought another friend...
And then there were 3...
We started our group...
Our circle of friends...
And like that circle...
There is no beginning or end...

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
That is why it is called the present.

and...



What do you think about it???

Allah is so Loves Me

Dear Diary,

Today I am very angry with my self, you know why? It is because of the “uncontrolled system” of my self. I have wake up at 2 am, I was thinking that it is not the good time to pray tahajjud, because it was just 2 o’clock, and usually I takes Tahajjud at 3 am, so I want to sleep again till 3 am is coming, and I was so lazy just to get my body up, I just lay down in bed and slept again, and do you know what?. It so embarrassed my self that I was so lazy to pray, even that is for my self. Then I wake up again at 4 am, oh damned my self, I was late to get up at 3 am, because it was 4 am already. Then I damned my self into that damn bed till I got up at 4:30. I heard the azan was sound hardly, but I damn again in that damn bed. So I wake up again at 5:40, it was time that I have to get up, because I also wanted to take a fee, and take wudhu then pray shubuh. As I have planned before, I have to fasting on this day: Thursday. So I forced my self to survive without any sahur. Then I was waiting to the bath room vacant, so I just sit down in bed and Ardi woke up then I go to that bath room and release that weight force my :under body” and take wudhu then pray shubuh together after waited Ardi wudhu.

Then it was 6:30 o’clock, it was a good time to wash because I have to back to Cikarang on next day: Friday. So I took my clothes and went to market to buy “Attack plus Softener” and go to bath room and soaked my clothes and took shower after waited for a somehow mother washing plates and glasses. Then I back to Ardi’s home and get clothed and back to wash that soaked clothes. After I washed and rinsed it, I back to Ardi’s home and went to office to intern in that company.

On the way to office, I received sms from Mr. Ramedhan, he told me suggestions, and do you know what? I noticed that Allah still loves me even though I have damned my self not to follow His rules. I was crying in that bus while I was seeing the buildings. I thought to my self, for sure Allah still loves me, but why Allah? I have damn You, I was not pray Tahajjud although You have woke me up, I was not get medicine I have bought although You have woke me up, and I was not pray Shubuh on time, although You have woke me up on time when azan was sound hardly to ear, and I was not to follow Your rules to lives discipline in Your world, but You still loves me. You have told to Mr. Erwin to send sms to my self. I have betrayed You but You still loves me, You still takes care of me, Subhanallah… Allahuakbar…I embarrassed my self in front of You, my Lord. Astaghfirullahaladhim… I shy oh Allah…where the hell my respect for You as my Lord, as my Creator, as my Guard, as my ….Everything….You are Almighty…No body can be similar likes You. You are the God I adored.

Damn my self. I can’t control it. I could get 5 job in that 4 hours (since 2 am to 6 am). Do you know what those are?
1. I can get my medicine, and treat my self. I was sick at that time,
2. I can pray Tahajjud and so khusyu because every body is still slept well. It was just 2 am, and Allah have prepared well to my self in order to pray well. Do you know why do I say like this? It because of it was so calm and there was not any noisy as many days usual,
3. I can get Sahur at that time, and fuel myself with Energen Cereal, but you know what? I just slept well. Damned myself.
4. I can pray Shubuh on time if I woke up at that time,
5. I can wash the clothes earlier in the morning, not at 6:30 when the time was so busy for any body to do their business,

I can have a time to pray Dhuha and treat my self to Him if I woke up at the time He was woke me up. Now I would not be hungry right now if I woke up at that time, but do you know what? I feel hungry right now, there is no any food in my stomach. Damn to my self. Damn it. I embarrassed my self to have name such “Jabbar”. My name is Jabbar but not as mighty as the name that I have. Even I can’t control my self to treat to Him that have created me, that have been my guard till this time for my self and my parent. I wants to shout out and cry as hard as I can to kill my self that just be betrayer to the God that have been loves and take care my self and my parents, damn it.

Astagfirullahal'adhim...

The Birth Date

Ass the world

Today, me as a founder of this blog site, would like to thanks to Mr. Ienjo that has given to me to build this website.
Actually last minutes we have some chit-chat like usual, but finally when Mr. Gery Plan had came, so we move to the empty class, and we had made a conversation in the same class like we did last meeting, so in that class is our second life forum.
This website was born when I just had a thought to make documentations of all what he did in his life. We learn many things about this life, about how we properly behave within the society, how we should struggle in this life, how to make not to brake others feeling, and so on and so forth. I said that he should make a kind of articles that will provide the informations that needed by the humans in the world. I were imagining to read the articles about the advices how to behave properly in this world.
I recognize that he is not the one who has many experiences, but now I am trying to make such archieves that provide the informations about this wonderful world.
If you are now read this site and you recognize to make such an addding or suggestions, or opinions, or criticals, or advices, or anything that you want to make your world better.
From this point, I will collect the informations from any websites to gather the informations in whatever kinds of sectors or types or articles.
In this sites, We talk about anything about the experiences in this world. At least you ever have a websites that has your name that will be remembered when you had died. So many peoples can still take the benefits or cores of any articles that you had shared in this web sites.
If you have any other suggestions, ctitics, advices, informations, websites info or any other things that can be useful in order to encourage any people that lately will see this website.
Or if you have any specific informations about anythings, just send me emails to: concord.jade@gmail.com if you mind, with enclosed your the informations not only of the datas but also about your self.

Thanks to read it. We will appreciate your efforts in the way to encourage or motivate or wake up or pick up or other things.

wass